What’s been cookin?

I’ve been living the slow life. The most exciting thing that happened this weekend (aside from having an on screen debut) was going out to the lake.


That’s the groundhog that stared at me. How random…

Last April I drove to La Crosse, Wisconsin twice. This April I’ve been sick. I’m also reading The DaVinci Code and Applied Cryptography. Did I tell you I’m thinking about auditioning for the Wind Ensemble? What about my latest pictures from the weekend? Or my nice new spiffy apartment I spent 3 hours cleaning?

I feel like a candidate for insanity when I read what I write, unable to focus on one idea. The jumpy shifts of focus show me how my mind has been lately – one minute I’m wanting to be a _ and then the next minute I’ve never been more determined to become a ___; not withstanding my biggest failure: personal relationships. I think this is all a side-effect of living alone and always closing my emotions off, not wanting to appear vulnerable in any way. I’m always avoiding certain personal subjects because I’ve never wanted anyone to be able to pick at my weaknesses. I’m present myself as completely stable and free of worries when the opposite is true.

“Problems have solutions, and I can handle everything on my own,” I once thought. Of course, another side-effect of living alone the realization that I can’t handle everything on my own. I’ve made myself depend on others for the first time in my life. The more I depend on others the less jumps of focus I have, but the individual shifts’ duration increases.

I’ve always pictured myself driver’s seat of my life. I would try to take turns without slowing down. I wouldn’t stop at life’s stop signs. Each dangerous turn I attempted to make ended with the realization that without slowing down it’s impossible to precisely change directions at that rate of acceleration in my current vehicle.

I apologize if my rambling seems like a cry for help because it isn’t much of one. I don’t think any reader can help me more than he/she already has, but I know Who I must go to in seek of Help. I feel Him working through me slowly, similar to the conclusion of the first Matrix movie when Neo jumps inside Agent Smith. I just find myself wondering how long He’s been inside of me before I broke down and stopped trying to deny Him.


About andyhillky
I'm cool.

One Response to What’s been cookin?

  1. smith says:

    you have a purpose sir. There’s a reason why these cookies are here.

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