I went to a basketball game Tuesday and had a lot of fun. I accidentally stumbled upon my own brilliance, and I intend to share my wisdom with all of my readers.
“We won the game even though it was pretty sloppy.”
Remarks like my these are what separates the sports fans from the sports gurus. I am a self-proclaimed sports guru. I come from a long line of self-proclaimed sports gurus, I’ve learned from the best – and I’ll show you how to become one. There’s only two steps:
- Make Vague Remarks
- Make Tactful Remarks
In regards to #1: “They’ve really got to get it together” – Don’t specify which team, or what player. Nobody can just say you’re wrong, because nobody knows what you’re talking about.
And #2: Say “that was nasty” right after a blocked shot, strikeout, or interception. Regardless of the outcome of the game, you’ve made the right call. Terms like “nasty” have the double meaning in sports commenting that seems to originate from the days of Dominique Wilkins’ windmill dunk in the 80’s slam dunk contests. Also, the occaisional “wow” when something excites the people around you. Being vague only works so much, and the extra punch is given to your sports omniscence when you time it perfectly.
The key to it all is to not root for a specific team, but “love the game” itself. That way, the team you picked always comes out on top and you are instantly better than everyone else around you.
All of this jibba-jabba about sports has sparked my memory of a story my father told me.
Back in the 70’s basketball games weren’t televised live. UK was playing a rival team, and dad listened to the game on the radio before he went to watch the game with his college buddies.
“Hey, you know who wins the game?” one of his friends, Joe, asked.
“Yeah, it’s Georgetown by 1. Right down to the end.”
So, Dad and Joe went to another room to watch the big game. Joe bet against UK, and bet with confidence because he had the inside scoop. The game came down to the wire, but Joe’s confidence would not be shaken.
Until Georgetown lost the game. Dad pointed and laughed.
Now I know where I get it.
